What Valentine's Day?

Valentine's Day is not a day I celebrate. And today, it was the last thing on my mind. I have been really under the weather for the last 2 days and today was especially bad. I had a fever all day accompanied by chills, an upset stomach, muscle aches and headaches. In the midst of this I am trying to diagnose pregnancy symptoms and frankly, found none. No sore breasts, no nausea, nothing. On top of that, the pains in my lower right pelvic area had increased. It is just a dull ache but it scares me. Having had an ectopic pregnancy, this looks like the right recipe for a second. Bleeding, aches and pains, no pregnancy symptoms.

So, all day I have sat at my computer, barely able to hold up my head, looking for information. Looking for stories of hope. Let the pain be a cyst. Or a UTI. Anything. Anything that will not endanger this pregnancy. How much does my hcg have to be tomorrow? Can a person be pregnant without symptoms? Just show me anything which gives me hope. Reading the same stories over and over again. And praying that this baby is healthy and in the right place to grow. Please let me keep this pregnancy.

I cannot wait till tomorrow 4pm when this torture will end. And yet, I do not want to know. I am not prepared for bad news. And even if it is good news, even if the hcg doubles, it just means 2 more days of torture till Wednesday's test. This is what IF does. It holds out your heart's desire to you and then threatens to take it away. Each month you are allowed to hope for 2 weeks. And then it all comes crashing down. Now, when this prize is within you, even now it is not safe.

I envy those who get pregnant easily and sail through with seemingly no problems. I just hope that this mental torture that I have to go through pays off if I get a child of my own. I will love him/her more, I tell myself. I will be a better mother - more appreciative of what I have. So I say while I wish to be them.