I knew the dream so too good to last. Apparently what is in the power of most women to do is beyond my capacity. This afternoon, I got back home to find that I was bleeding - very heavily and bright red. I called the doctor immediately and drove the 45 minutes to their office - all the while crying and sobbing. As soon as I got there, they did an ultrasound. Could not find a second sac but found the first - it even had a tiny heartbeat (though it was too weak to hear, they could only see it). The nurse told me that the second sac was not viable and so the body got rid of it and in the process, it was getting rid of the perfectly healthy baby because it does not know how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy. There is nothing they can do - they told me to rest and come back on Monday to confirm what has happened.
I knew I should not get excited about this pregnancy but I did. I let myself believe that it could last. It all seems so unfair. Why me? Why should I have problems with fertility? Why should I have an ectopic pregnancy? I have NO risk factors for it? The one time I have a normal pregnancy, it somehow happens that I get 2 sacs (out of only one egg) and the bad one gets rid of the good. Women get pregnant and stay pregnant all the time. Sometimes, they get pregnant and stay pregnant IN SPITE of their lifestyles. I do everything - eat right, exercise, take meds etc. and I cannot hold on to one pregnancy. This sucks!!! I still want to know: why me? And there is no answer to that.
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Oh hun, that "why me" question is always in my head. But I can't dwell on it, because it is too painful. I wrote to you on the ttc board. I still have hope for this little baby, with his/her little beating heart. Please continue to love this baby, because you are his/her mommy! I am SO very sorry this is so difficult for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....
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