The Saga Continues...

The March 8th appointment went well. We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time and it was good at 160 beats/minute. We both cried. I had been having severe nausea for a couple of days (even threw up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday) and so, when we went in on Monday, we had been optimistic for perhaps the first time in this pregnancy.

But by March 10th, things got worse. The spotting had increased significantly. On March 11th, it turned to bright red again. We called the RE and set up another ulrasound for March 12th. They heard the heartbeat again - 180 this time. This was yesterday. Since the bright red bleeding, I have had no nausea or throwing up. Nothing on Friday or Saturday. I am already fearing the worst. We have a pre-natal appointment scheduled on the 18th and there is nothing I can do till then.

This is the worst thing about infertility. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I cannot enjoy this pregnancy out of fear. I analyze each symptom and lack of symptoms kills me. I just want to spend my time in the bathroom throwing up. I spend my time researching pregnancies without symptoms. I will take this emotional roller-coaster for the next 9 months if that is what it takes. But I at least want to know that everything turns out for the best. Unfortunately, there is no way to know that at 7 weeks and 5 days.

Living Day to Day

Somehow we made it to Monday. The 4 intervening days were torture - punctuated by bleeding, clotting, crying. By me poking my boobs to see if they are sore, by wondering if I was feeling nauseous. To make matters worse, I woke up on Saturday feeling really sick - congested, unable to breathe, aching all over and still spotting/bleeding. Things got so bad that I nearly passed out in the shower on Sunday night and spent about 10 minutes dry-heaving - till my husband managed to pull me out of the shower.

On Monday morning, we went in with NO hope of anything positive. We were trying to convince ourselves that it was over. But to our joy (and amazement and fear), the ultrasound found a baby. And a tiny heartbeat - 121 beats per minute. The doctor said that they look (at this stage) for anything above 100. My cervix is closed too.

So, our next ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, March 8th (barring the unforeseen). I am on near or complete bedrest to slow the bleeding. We are nowhere close to being out of the woods yet - we are only 2 weeks into this pregnancy. The bleeding is still a concern and a problem. But we made it through another day. Only thousands of hours of this left to go...

Miscarriage...

I knew the dream so too good to last. Apparently what is in the power of most women to do is beyond my capacity. This afternoon, I got back home to find that I was bleeding - very heavily and bright red. I called the doctor immediately and drove the 45 minutes to their office - all the while crying and sobbing. As soon as I got there, they did an ultrasound. Could not find a second sac but found the first - it even had a tiny heartbeat (though it was too weak to hear, they could only see it). The nurse told me that the second sac was not viable and so the body got rid of it and in the process, it was getting rid of the perfectly healthy baby because it does not know how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy. There is nothing they can do - they told me to rest and come back on Monday to confirm what has happened.

I knew I should not get excited about this pregnancy but I did. I let myself believe that it could last. It all seems so unfair. Why me? Why should I have problems with fertility? Why should I have an ectopic pregnancy? I have NO risk factors for it? The one time I have a normal pregnancy, it somehow happens that I get 2 sacs (out of only one egg) and the bad one gets rid of the good. Women get pregnant and stay pregnant all the time. Sometimes, they get pregnant and stay pregnant IN SPITE of their lifestyles. I do everything - eat right, exercise, take meds etc. and I cannot hold on to one pregnancy. This sucks!!! I still want to know: why me? And there is no answer to that.

And now up - at least for a day!!!!

After spending the weekend pretending to smile and care, I finally made it to Sunday afternoon. After hearing the news of the hcg failing to double on Friday, I had to spend Friday afternoon and evening and all day Saturday as well as Sunday morning pretending to care about meaningless conversation. My in-laws were here (mom and dad and brother and his girlfriend) and amusing them took up all my time and energy. Twice (Sat. night and Sunday morning), I noticed a little more pinkish blood in the toilet and had to lock myself in our room, cry for about 15 minutes and then put my smile back on and go outside.

Sunday night was a nightmare. I slept about 3 hours in spite of severe exhaustion and could not go back to bed. Finally, 9am Monday morning arrived. After giving blood, I did not want to leave. I wanted to sit there till they ran the test. But I had to go to work - pretending to care about something else I could barely think about. I carried my phone with me all day. I knew they would not call me till 1pm but I kept checking to see if I had any messages. When it finally rang at 1:40pm, I took it and ran outside - to get some privacy and to be able to cry in private. Imagine my shock when the nurse said, "Your hcg is through the roof. It went from 3381 on Friday to 11,600 on Monday." I really did cry then. My hand was shaking as I tried to call my husband. We had made it another day. And twins could still be on the table. Though I will take one kid - I am not being greedy.

Now starts more worrying. I keep poking my boobs to see if they are sore. They were sore last night and are not tonight. Why? Why am I not getting morning sickness? Has it just been a long day or is this tiredness from the pregnancy?

Unless something goes wrong (and please pray nothing does) I have no doctor's visits till March 8th. I will be 7 weeks then and they are hoping to hear a heartbeat. Till then, my own heart will be pounding - hoping and praying and worrying about this pregnancy.

And down and down and down...

Friday, the 19th started out with fear. I was terrified about going in to the RE. But the ultrasound turned out to be FABULOUS. They saw the gestational sac in the uterus which rules out the ectopic entirely. They even saw another little dot which they thought could be a second sac. TWINS!!!!! How could that be? I only had one mature egg. How could we hit the IF jackpot???

I was supposed to be happy after that appointment but a little dot of fear in me insisted on the blood test. The nurse thought running it would be pointless - everything looked great. But the lack of symptoms and a niggling fear made me insist. Plus, I was still spotting. All day I waited for the call about the hcg numbers swaying wildly between optimism and fear. And as time passed and no call came, fear began to dominate.

At last, the phone rang!!! And the nurse said, "Is this a good time to talk?" And my heart sank. She would not say that if it was good news. And I was right. My hcg on Wednesday was 2192. On Friday, it was 3381. That means the hcg is only doubling every 79 hours. It is supposed to double at least every 72, if not 48, hours. This is bad!!! The nurse has calming explanations. Maybe the second sac we saw is going away - getting reabsorbed. That can explain the slowing of the hcg numbers. Or maybe you are just slower than others at this stage. Lets repeat the test on Monday. It should be between 6500-7000 by then if everything is going well.

Great!!! So, with sinking heart, I realized that I had bad news again - and on a Friday. Wait throughout the weekend for more news. On top of that, my husband's entire family were coming to visit during the weekend - and they did not know.

So, started a harrowing weekend. But it turned out that having them as guests forced my mind off my situation. Forced me to stop calculating what the hcg should be on Monday if it doubled, if it increased by 66% etc. But now I am left to my own thoughts again. Nothing to do till tomorrow but hope and pray. I am so tired emotionally. And it is going to be a harrowing 36 hours till I get my hcg tomorrow. But this is all I can do - wait, hope and pray!!!

The Dread of Tomorrow

I have been doing betas for the past week. Friday (14dpo) started out at 231. Monday: 970. Wednesday: 2170. Tomorrow is Friday and we are going for our first ultrasound and another beta.

Here is the problem: tomorrow is exactly one week from finding out I am pregnant. This is where it all went downhill last time. The betas were doubling nicely till then and then they crashed!!! All hope destroyed. So, I am dreading tomorrow's beta. And the ultrasound is even more scary. What if this repeats my last ectopic? What if they cannot see anything in my uterus?

To make matters worse, I am having similar symptoms. Till Wednesday, my boobs were a little sore. The soreness has steadily decreased from last Friday and today, there is absolutely nothing. No symptoms. I used to react badly to smells since last week - nothing bothers me in the last 2 days. No twinges, no cramps, nothing. A deafening silence louder than words.

I want symptoms. I sit still waiting for them. For something. Anything. But I cannot manufacture them.

Now, I am thinking of the alternatives. Is it better for my future chances for this to be a miscarriage? What will I do if it is a miscarriage? Or worse, if it is an ectopic? In the latter case, why is this happening to me? I have NONE of the risk factors for ectopics. What is going on and why? That is what I want an anwer to: why? Why me? Why this? What have I done to deserve this?

I prayed all day. For this baby. To have it. But I feel helpless. What can I do? How many more times can I go through this?

What Valentine's Day?

Valentine's Day is not a day I celebrate. And today, it was the last thing on my mind. I have been really under the weather for the last 2 days and today was especially bad. I had a fever all day accompanied by chills, an upset stomach, muscle aches and headaches. In the midst of this I am trying to diagnose pregnancy symptoms and frankly, found none. No sore breasts, no nausea, nothing. On top of that, the pains in my lower right pelvic area had increased. It is just a dull ache but it scares me. Having had an ectopic pregnancy, this looks like the right recipe for a second. Bleeding, aches and pains, no pregnancy symptoms.

So, all day I have sat at my computer, barely able to hold up my head, looking for information. Looking for stories of hope. Let the pain be a cyst. Or a UTI. Anything. Anything that will not endanger this pregnancy. How much does my hcg have to be tomorrow? Can a person be pregnant without symptoms? Just show me anything which gives me hope. Reading the same stories over and over again. And praying that this baby is healthy and in the right place to grow. Please let me keep this pregnancy.

I cannot wait till tomorrow 4pm when this torture will end. And yet, I do not want to know. I am not prepared for bad news. And even if it is good news, even if the hcg doubles, it just means 2 more days of torture till Wednesday's test. This is what IF does. It holds out your heart's desire to you and then threatens to take it away. Each month you are allowed to hope for 2 weeks. And then it all comes crashing down. Now, when this prize is within you, even now it is not safe.

I envy those who get pregnant easily and sail through with seemingly no problems. I just hope that this mental torture that I have to go through pays off if I get a child of my own. I will love him/her more, I tell myself. I will be a better mother - more appreciative of what I have. So I say while I wish to be them.

Up and down, and down and down...

Wow!! Can IF screw you up!!! I got my BFP yesterday and was ecstatic for exactly 10 minutes. This was followed by pure panic because I was also spotting. In fact, I had started spotting the night before (even though I am on progesterone supplements) and just assumed AF was on its way.

The visit to the doctor was inconclusive. They said they could not do anything for the bleeding really - my progesterone was high enough as it was. Just told me to put my feet up and rest all weekend and come back on Monday for another blood test. So, this has been my weekend: sitting in bed with nothing to do but think. Think about all the things that could be wrong. That could go wrong even if things are OK now. What if this is another ectopic? What if this is a chemical pregnancy? Or I already miscarried and I will not find out till Monday?What if this baby does not make it?

Why is there an ache on my right side? Why do I not have any pregnancy symptoms? Was that a cramp? I want to go to the bathroom but dare not because I do not want to see blood. I spend every minute online researching pregnancies without symptoms, bleeding during pregnancies, anything that gives hope, anything that applies. I am mentally trying to gear up for the worst while my heart yearns for good news.

This is the problem with IF. I am no longer prepared for good news. I expect the worst. And yet it hurts every time. And every pregnancy could be your last chance. It took us a year to get this far. If this does not work, there may not be another pregnancy. And so it is not simply a matter of trying again. It is a matter of now or never.